#169 Tennis grunts Aug31

#169 Tennis grunts

Tennis is classy. Fans don’t paint their faces silver, put on a pair of horns, and stand waving giant cardboard signs while sipping from Beer Hats. No, they sit in hushed crowds, whisper politely, and eat berries and cream on Saturday mornings. Players are classy too with their supermodel...

#170 Inventing new foods at the buffet Aug28

#170 Inventing new foods at the buffet

Buffets are chemistry labs. You’ve got every element on the Foodiodic Table sitting in front of you in tiny black plastic containers. There’s smeared clumps of feta and pickled beets in the salad bar, greasy cheese pizza congealing under table lamps, and mini chocolate eclairs...

#171 Completely guessing the right answer on a multiple choice test Aug27

#171 Completely guessing the right answer on a multiple choice test

AWESOME! Illustration from: here The post #171 Completely guessing the right answer on a multiple choice test appeared first on 1000 Awesome...

#172 Laugh lines Aug26

#172 Laugh lines

Bathtubs are crystal balls. Soak in them long enough and you’ll get a wrinkly idea of what you’ll look like in years. Brothers and sisters, since skin creases will wedge into the cracks and corners of all of our bodies over all of our lives we’ve got two big choices on living...

#173 When you walk straight through one of those empty winding lineup things Aug25

#173 When you walk straight through one of those empty winding lineup things

Don’t get me started on airports. Look, I love flying as much as the next guy but sometimes it feels like we’re grunting cows being poked from pen to pen. Check-in, customs, and security mean lines up the yin yang and through it all we’re papery flurries of passports,...

#174 Old people pants Aug24

#174 Old people pants

It’s about authenticity. It’s about being you and being cool with it. It’s about baggy turquoise capris, striped maroon jumpsuits, and neon track pants. Yes, when you walk by an old person sporting some colorful and comfortable pants with flair, do us all a favor and give...

#175 When your footsteps line up perfectly with the black and white floor tiles Aug21

#175 When your footsteps line up perfectly with the black and white floor tiles

Brain, you´re funny. Who knows what caveman electrons are firing you up on a daily basis? Something must have been programmed in a while back to make it so enjoyable to pop bubble wrap, hear frozen puddles crack, or stab those little buttons on top of the soft drink cup lid. Click clack,...

#176 Getting tiny chores done before the microwave dings Aug20

#176 Getting tiny chores done before the microwave dings

Beat the beep. Toss that bowl of instant oatmeal, can of Chef Boyardee, or salty plate of last night´s stir-fry into the microwave and get ready for sixty seconds of tornado-twisting action in the kitchen. When the door slams and the plate starts turning, it´s time to start scrubbing the...

#177 Grandma emails Aug19

#177 Grandma emails

AWESOME! Illustration from: here The post #177 Grandma emails appeared first on 1000 Awesome...

#178 When you hear someone’s smile over the phone Aug18

#178 When you hear someone’s smile over the phone

Living in a big city can be lonely. Friends scatter and splatter in all directions and people dear to your heart fling themselves across state lines, borders, and deep dark oceans. And while calling your friends has gotten a lot cheaper, let’s be honest: It’s still hard to line everything...

#179 Getting your ID checked when you’re way over the legal age Aug17

#179 Getting your ID checked when you’re way over the legal age

Hey, sometimes you’re in the mood for a few drinks. Big bottle of Merlot over a romantic spaghetti dinner, clinking beers floating in an icy cooler beside the tent, Jello shooters before the bars in college, or bubbly flutes of champagne for the big New Year’s bash. Whatever your...

#180 Tripping and realizing no one saw you Aug14

#180 Tripping and realizing no one saw you

Babies take a while to walk. If you’ve seen it happen, you know there is plenty of falling, crawling, and bawling. Hey, there’s a reason most two-year-olds are covered in fat lips, skinned knees, and coffee-table-dented foreheads. Learning to walk ain’t easy. Sure, you did it...

#181 Gravy Aug13

#181 Gravy

You gotta love the Egyptians. According to our egghead pals at Wikipedia our taste-loving ancestors from Egypt started putting gravy on food over 5000 years ago. Seriously, hieroglyphics in the tomb of Djer, an early first dynasty pharaoh, show diners feasting and drinking from gravy boats....

#182 Spotting your house from the airplane window Aug12

#182 Spotting your house from the airplane window

AWESOME! Illustration from: here The post #182 Spotting your house from the airplane window appeared first on 1000 Awesome...

#183 Sleep lines Aug11

#183 Sleep lines

Sleep lines are any line on your body when you wake up from sleep. They’re little indents on your arm from the pillow case zipper. They’re creases on your face from your corduroy covers. They’re just cute little lines and dents on your arms and legs that tell everyone that...

#184 Hands-free-everything bathrooms Aug10

#184 Hands-free-everything bathrooms

It’s known as the Paper Towel Pile. Germophobes, you know what I’m talking about. It’s that filthy stash of crumpled wet paper towels sitting in a pathetic heap behind public bathroom doors. Bacteria conscious citizens aren’t above using paper towels like gloves to...

#185 Splashing someone outside the pool with a cannonball Aug07

#185 Splashing someone outside the pool with a cannonball

Bombs away. Bring on big splashes, wet clothes, and hot sunny afternoons of AWESOME! Photo from: here The post #185 Splashing someone outside the pool with a cannonball appeared first on 1000 Awesome...

#186 When your friends with kids don’t just talk about their kids Aug06

#186 When your friends with kids don’t just talk about their kids

We love your kids. We do, we do, they’re cute, they’re adorable, they’re beautiful little Future You’s who will rule the Earth just fine when we’re all done living. And it’s fantastic they won bronze in high jump,  scored a Wise Man part in the Christmas...

#187 That moment just before you fall asleep when you know you’re about to fall asleep Aug05

#187 That moment just before you fall asleep when you know you’re about to fall asleep

It’s been a long day. Flick off the lights and rest your broken bones in bed. Collapse under the covers, twist out your spine, and crumple into your cozy cotton cocoon. Feel your eyes warm your lids after long hours looking at the screen. Let your jaw unclench, let your blood swim...

#188 Hiding inside a really big hood Aug04

#188 Hiding inside a really big hood

I have short hair. People, this is what happens when you’re going bald. Now I’ll probably always have short hair and I’m really hoping it doesn’t go too far out of style. Because if the new thing becomes dreads, french braids, and ponytails, then I’m screwed. You...

#189 Anything that gets you really, really sweaty Aug03

#189 Anything that gets you really, really sweaty

I’m no tennis pro. Yet somehow this past weekend I got tricked into playing a game with my brother-in-law Dee. I hadn’t played tennis in years, but Dee and I managed to scrounge around my dad’s basement to find two wooden rackets and a tube of balls. Even though each tennis...

#190 Making disgusting slurping noises while eating a really juicy peach Jul31

#190 Making disgusting slurping noises while eating a really juicy peach

You can’t fake a peach. Juice and candy companies keep trying with their Fuzzy Peach gummies and sugary peach drinks. But those molar-clogging sugar clumps never do the real peach justice. They’re an insult to peaches everywhere and mock the regal beauty of the Lord Of All...

#191 That bend in the pipe under the sink Jul30

#191 That bend in the pipe under the sink

Keep the poo outside. We all agreed on this hundreds of years ago and beyond when we scooted outside whenever nature called. Outhouses were the norm and everyone put on slippers and blindly stepped through flower gardens whenever they tinkled in the middle of the night. The rules changed after...

#192 A la moding anything Jul29

#192 A la moding anything

It happened last night. Leslie and I were walking around a new neighborhood when we strolled past a giant restaurant window with a tall guy in a paper hat standing inside. He was swiping a tiny windshield wiper across a hot black circle and cooking up thin little crepes. Maybe I’m a bit...

#193 That moment after the lightning and before the thunder Jul28

#193 That moment after the lightning and before the thunder

Here comes the rain. Black clouds cover the sky before jumbo drops start pounding down all around you. Drenching clothes, splashing windows, everyone runs for cover with wet cheeks and rain hair. And when giant cracks of lightning suddenly splinter the sky and fill everything with...

#194 When insects are struggling to do something and you help them Jul27

#194 When insects are struggling to do something and you help them

Picture this. You’re biking down the leaf-slicked sidestreets of your hometown when you suddenly lose your balance and fly head first over the handlebars straight into the curb. You smack it hard and are left lying in a twisted mess of bike chains and bloody legs. But then! Just as the...

#195 Burps that taste good Jul24

#195 Burps that taste good

I love burritos. Wrap a chewy tortilla around a slopful of sticky beans, blackened chicken, and creamy guacamole and that’s a pretty fine lunch. Hey, squirt some sour cream in there, sprinkle grated cheese, and splat some salsa on and you just made it better. Burritos are so delicious...

#196 Accidental snorts Jul23

#196 Accidental snorts

You just sounded like a pig. AWESOME! The post #196 Accidental snorts appeared first on 1000 Awesome...

#197 Chugging cold milk after chocolate cake Jul22

#197 Chugging cold milk after chocolate cake

It’s like throat glue. After you finish scraping the chocolate icing off the plate and fingering up every last crumb, it suddenly hits you that your entire face and mouth is smeared with the brown and pasty. Molars have new chocolate fillings, lips are smeared with sugary icing, and your...

#198 Becoming friends with the other guy who doesn’t know anyone here Jul21

#198 Becoming friends with the other guy who doesn’t know anyone here

Welcome to the place where nobody knows your name. 1. The Boring Party. You’re watching Saturday Night Live on the couch or hanging by the punch table at prom while everyone else dances up a sweat to The Power, Informer, or Pump Up The Jam across the room. When that other guy plops on...