#520 When a cute little baby falls asleep on you Apr23

#520 When a cute little baby falls asleep on you

You’re a human pillow. Feel that tiny heart beating on your chest, that strawberry-sized hand gripping your finger, and those baby powder breaths softly whispering in and out… When you were a little baby you fell asleep on people all the time, too. Now that you’re all grown...

#521 Just calling a mulligan on the day Apr22

#521 Just calling a mulligan on the day

Do you play golf? Me, I’ve tried a couple times but it’s always the same: I lace up some stained sneakers, borrow rusty clubs from someone’s basement, and then scrounge around the parking lot for some dented balls for my once-a-decade tee shot. Now, I’ve mentioned my...

#522 Dancing by yourself when you’re home alone Apr19

#522 Dancing by yourself when you’re home alone

Get your groove on strong. Yes, lock that door, shutter those blinds, and crank that bumping thumping music, baby. Because it’s time to get down with the get down: • The Microphone. Wooden spoons are ideal but there are good substitutes like toothbrushes, combs, or even a bulky plastic...

#523 When you learn a new word and then start seeing it everywhere Apr18

#523 When you learn a new word and then start seeing it everywhere

Thanks, universe. Once in a while you send big blinking signs that everything’s unfolding according to plan. Yes, whether it’s a supersmooth drive home, some eerie deja vu, or a perfect time showing up on the clock, you drop buzzy little braintwists that always keep us...

#524 When there are a couple hidden onion rings at the bottom of your fries Apr17

#524 When there are a couple hidden onion rings at the bottom of your fries

Dive in. Scoring some sweet and salty rings hidden in your fries is the fast food equivalent to finding a treasure chest at the bottom of the sea. Suddenly you’re an explorer stumbling upon a lost shipwreck way, way down in the darkness. While your friends linger above, you plunge...

#525 That one teacher Apr16

#525 That one teacher

Put your hand up if you ran from doorbells, hid behind pant legs, and avoided eye contact with grownups as a shy little kid. Brothers and sisters, if your hand is up right now, you are not alone. Yes, mute as a mouse, quiet as a cat, I was a short, snotty, bedhead-smeared ghost of a child...

#526 When dreams actually come true Apr15

#526 When dreams actually come true

I was a bad baby. From the time I was zero minutes old I was wide-eyed, wide-awake, crying and cranky. Bedtime meant nothing and my parents say I’d often stand in my crib staring around the room rattling the bars all night. Sleeplessness stuck as the years rolled on and I’d lie in...

#527 The night before your big day Apr12

#527 The night before your big day

Stare at that ceiling. Sweaty palms, white knuckles, deep breaths in bed. Maybe the ring’s stowed away and the reservations are made. Maybe the results are coming in and everyone’s coming over. Maybe you’re buttoning down for a new job or following your heart and leaving an...

#528 When your pet notices you’re in a bad mood and walks over to you Apr11

#528 When your pet notices you’re in a bad mood and walks over to you

Everybody hurts, sometimes. Relationships fritz and fizzle, bad moods steam and sizzle, and we all have moments where all we wanna do is curl up under a blanket so it all goes away. In tear-stained moments of blackness, when the weight of the world hangs heavy, there’s nothing as sweet...

#529 Finally going pee after holding it forever Apr10

#529 Finally going pee after holding it forever

It didn’t used to be this way. For hundreds of thousands of years our species peed freely, whenever, wherever. Yes, whether we were roaming jungles, crossing ice bridges, or having picnics in plains, it wasn’t always pretty but when nature called, we answered. Things are different...

Apr09

#530 When couples tell you how they met

Just look at them. Cute, cuddly, giggly, smiling, holding hands wedged deeply in the restaurant booth. Picking nachos, sipping cola, you casually ask how they met and then listen with warm wide-eyed smiles as they stutter and stumble over all the little details and tiny moments that helped...

#531 The Big Night Nap aka Disco Nap Apr08

#531 The Big Night Nap aka Disco Nap

The Big Night Nap is any nap you take before going out for a big night. When you nail this warm up nap perfectly you end up with a long memorable evening without dog yawns, wristwatch glances, and early cave-ins. Now, that doesn’t mean Big Night Naps are easy to pull off. No, no, the...

#532 When you find out your new apartment has a really good shower Apr05

#532 When you find out your new apartment has a really good shower

It’s all about water pressure. Honestly, getting a misty low pressure shower is a slightly damp nightmare.  You may as well spray yourself with a water bottle or shampoo your hair in the YMCA steam room at that point. No, you want that high pressure spray down, you crave that high...

#533 Going for a spin on a shopping cart Apr04

#533 Going for a spin on a shopping cart

Hey, baby. Take a ride on the wild side. Yes, while walking down that empty grocery store aisle look left at the Cocoa Puffs, look right at the rice cakes, nod confidently, and then step on the cart and fly. Apples bounce, salami slides, and there are some intense g-forces on your loaf of...

#534 Actually catching food in your mouth Apr03

#534 Actually catching food in your mouth

Toss it mean and catch it clean. Drop that jaw, tilt that head, and let’s get down to business: • Level 1: Pop Practice. It’s important to start small with popcorn. There are no penalties for misses here, since the corn is light and doesn’t collect much dust if it hits the...

#535 Giant morning stretches accompanied by stupid gorilla noises Apr02

#535 Giant morning stretches accompanied by stupid gorilla noises

Crack that back. Everybody’s got their own gorilla jungle noises when they wake up in the morning. There’s a few famous moves for waking up your bones: 1. The Insane Wiggle. This one’s the classic. There’s no focus and direction here — you’re just twisting...

#536 When you’re being chased by zombies and suddenly find a hidden stash of weapons Apr01

#536 When you’re being chased by zombies and suddenly find a hidden stash of weapons

It’s a quiet night. You’re driving your girlfriend home from the movies in your dusty, beat-up pickup truck. The moonlight casts strange shadows in the town square as you slow to a stop under a flickering streetlight. Something catches your eye in the rearview mirror just as your...

#537 Wearing your favorite pair of undies and nobody knows Mar29

#537 Wearing your favorite pair of undies and nobody knows

You know the ones. Maybe they fit perfectly, don’t ride up, and leave nothing bulging over the edges. Yes, they flatter in all the right places and all the right spaces, baby. Or maybe you’re a straight-laced Sally and they’re your wildly inappropriate pair that turn you into...

#538 Laughing so hard you just start crying Mar28

#538 Laughing so hard you just start crying

It’s a beautiful moment. Your friend suddenly squeezes her eyes shut and starts shaking her head while laughing so hard little streams of salty tears start running down her cheeks. She covers her mouth with her hands as her wide-eyed face turns red — and you can see shiny...

#539 When you open your book to the exact page you were looking for Mar27

#539 When you open your book to the exact page you were looking for

You cracked the case. Seriously, when you pop open that textbook, flip open the yellow pages, or split the spine of that beach novel right to the spot you’re looking for it’s a beautiful moment. Suddenly you transform into a gloomy trenchcoat-wearing detective who solves the case...

#540 That TV Treasure Chest Moment Mar26

#540 That TV Treasure Chest Moment

The TV Treasure Chest Moment occurs when you stumble upon an elusive rerun of your favorite TV show just as it’s about to start. This champion channel-flip happens in two big ways: 1. The Missing Link. This is when  you suddenly realize you haven’t seen this episode before —...

#541 Stashing everything in a junk drawer Mar25

#541 Stashing everything in a junk drawer

“Honey, have you seen my measuring tape?” “I think it’s in that drawer in the kitchen with the scissors, bobby pins, scotch tape, nail clippers, barbecue tongs, extra buttons, old birthday cards, stained take-out menus, thick rubber bands, matches, garlic press, stack...

#542 Wrong-colored foods Mar22

#542 Wrong-colored foods

Believe it. There’s something great about eating foods that aren’t the color they’re supposed to be. When you chomp on those deliciously mutant creations, it’s a feast for all your senses. Since the days of cavemen eating albino monkeys, we’ve been loving the...

#543 That separate compartment in your stomach just for dessert Mar21

#543 That separate compartment in your stomach just for dessert

My parents drove downtown last week. They cruised along wet highways onto narrow streets to catch up with me over dinner. We walked a block from my apartment to a small restaurant where we squeezed into a booth and squinted at the small-font menu under the dim lighting. Wedged between a couple...

#544 Science fairs Mar20

#544 Science fairs

It all starts with a poster board. Getting mom to drive to the drug store to load up on the thick flimsy is a great start to a great project. Grab a sheet of white, a sheet of neon pink, and if you’re lucky one of those thick cardboard three-folds. Come on, we both know that cardboard...

#545 Watching a movie on an old couch in the basement with a group of friends Mar19

#545 Watching a movie on an old couch in the basement with a group of friends

It’s better in the basement. Give us the stained couches demoted from the family room. Give us those plastic walls full of pink insulation. Give us those cold floors and thin carpets. Give us that dark cave hidden from the outside world. Give us a group of friends hanging out. And give...

#546 Running to the front door when your mom or dad comes home from work Mar18

#546 Running to the front door when your mom or dad comes home from work

After playing, playing, playing, you finally hear the car pull into the driveway, the boots clomp up the steps, and the key sliding into the front door. Time to drop what you’re doing and run full throttle down the hallway for a big welcome back celebration. AWESOME! Photo from:...

#547 Finding buried treasures in your Spring jacket pocket Mar15

#547 Finding buried treasures in your Spring jacket pocket

Dig deep, baby. When the weather warms up and the snow melts down, it’s time to pull out that thin dusty jacket from the back of the closet and toss it back on. Now, just make sure you stuff your hands deep in those pockets and see if you can’t score some buried treasure...

#548 That moment in the shower where you suddenly decide to make it a really long shower Mar14

#548 That moment in the shower where you suddenly decide to make it a really long shower

It’s a bad scene. Alarm bells buzz when the clock clicks six and I become a barely blinking lump of groggy stretching noises that sound like Chewbacca after he’s been shot. Honestly, it’s a pathetic scene — me lying there with drool stains on my cheeks, deathbags under...

#549 The day your class goes on a field trip Mar13

#549 The day your class goes on a field trip

It all starts with the permission slip. Yes, when teachers send them home before the bell rings so parents can rubber stamp the bumpy yellow bus trip to the museum, then it’s on, my friends, it’s on. Soon the days count down and the buzz builds up as the class gets ready for the...