#985 Eating things past the expiry date May14

#985 Eating things past the expiry date

I used to follow expiry dates like gospel, figuring the sour cream would sweeten, the ice cream would melt, and the rice would crumble into dust the morning after after the the block-stamped date on the bottom of the package had passed. If the expiry date was closing in, I’d just cut my...

May13

#986 When you pull up to a red light and the guy in front of you nudges up a bit so you can make a r...

May12

#987 Picking the perfect nacho off someone else’s plate

May11

#988 The Gas Arrow

May10

#989 Blowing your nose in the shower

#990 Picking up a q and a u at the same time in Scrabble May07

#990 Picking up a q and a u at the same time in Scrabble

I’m the world’s worst Scrabble player. Every time it’s my turn I see other players lose interest as they get ready for a long wait. I feel bad, so I stare intensely at my pieces trying desperately to conjure up a word longer than three letters or else suffer their...

#991 Really, really old Tupperware May06

#991 Really, really old Tupperware

Found in dusty kitchen cupboards and dishwasher top-shelves across this wide, great land, really, really old Tupperware is as handy today as it was twenty, thirty, forty years ago. That famous Tupperware “burping seal” still holds strong, and you can bet your boombox that banana...

#992 Being the first table to get called up for the dinner buffet at a wedding May05

#992 Being the first table to get called up for the dinner buffet at a wedding

Weddings can go one of two ways. Either you’re tight like twins with the bride or groom — a sibling maybe, college roommate, or grandmother. You’re on The Inside, recommending photographers, hosting showers, renting tuxes, giving toasts. For you, the wedding is a great day, a...

#993 Fat baseball players May04

#993 Fat baseball players

If you ever find yourself playing professional sports and someone from the stands yells out “Come on, Big Bopper!,” you’re probably a fat baseball player. Fat baseball player, thank you for giving us that simplest thing of all. Hope. See, because usually when we see those...

#994 Waiters and waitresses who bring free refills without asking May03

#994 Waiters and waitresses who bring free refills without asking

On the whole, we’re pretty nasty to waiters and waitresses. We complain they’re wasting our time if the food takes too long to come, we complain they’re trying to rush us out if the food comes too early. We warn about allergies, make special requests, ask for more bread, and...

#995 Finding money you didn’t even know you lost Apr30

#995 Finding money you didn’t even know you lost

An old roommate of mine was sifting through and tossing out some old birthday cards once when a crisply entombed twenty dollar bill slid out of a faded card from Grandma. Her eyebrows perked up, her mouth formed a perfect O, and she raised her hand up top for a high five, which I promptly...

#996 Opening and sniffing a pack of tennis balls Apr29

#996 Opening and sniffing a pack of tennis balls

Not too many things that aren’t soda sound like soda when they’re opened. But tennis balls do, and that’s part of their beauty. You just snap back that tab, hear that pshhhhh sound, and then catch a whiff of those vacuum sealed, Korean-factory packed, hot rubbery plastic...